July 2005

I recently read an article about a young man who was dealing with his wife and her depression. They had recently moved, bought a house, and started their own business all within a year. The stress of life had apparently caught up with the wife and she was, in her husband’s words, “…sad and angry all the time.” He went on to say how miserable he was (uh, yeah.), how helpless he felt, and how he tried 24/7 to make her happy. She had seen a doctor and was even on a medication.

SMALL PRINT: I’m not a doctor of any kind. Any knowledge I have has been gained from extensive reading and research (”reading” and “researching” people even more than books. Books don’t have a heart or a mind, afterall!) Primarily, my thoughts stem from common sense and experience.

Okay, having said that, I’d like to just give a few p.o.v.’s.

First of all, it is never, ever, ever anyone’s responsibility to make another person happy. Yes, she’s his wife. Yes, he wants her to smile. I totally understand that. If someone we love won’t smile, we can’t smile. However, if life has lost the ability to amuse Jane, why should John feel responsible for the loss and accountable for it’s return?

Second of all, if the medicine isn’t working, maybe the problem isn’t a chemical imbalance. Why keep taking something that isn’t doing any good? Maybe it’s time for a new doctor…..or no doctor.

I am treading on ever-thinning ice, but I think the human mind is capable of so much more than we ever give it credit for. It can do a lot more than we typically ask it to do. We look for more elaborate remedies from more elaborate sources, when very often we’re all we need.

My advice to the young husband? After giving him a quick, platonical just-because-you-need-it hug, I’d tell him to STOP trying to lift his wife up - he’s trying to carry himself as well as her and will be the first, ultimately, to go down. HE HAS TO MAKE HER FIND HER OWN LEGS. That’s the only way she’ll ever get any strength. It’s the best thing for him, sure, but more importantly - it’s the best thing for her. She’s suffering even more than he is.

I think the first thing to do would be to not mention her “depression” or “anger” at all. If she brings them up, change the subject. Sweep the words and similar phrases out of the house. Each time the words are spoken, they’re invited in, given a place to sleep and basically allowed to “move in, rent free.” Kick them to the curb - they’re the worst houseguest you could imagine.

It seems to me that the more we fixate on something, the more firmly rooted-in it becomes. This being the case, if we were to fixate on positive thoughts - we’d be a lot better off. It’s a fact of life, the more often we have THOUGHT A, the more real THOUGHT A becomes to us. Our primary thoughts create grooves that the rest of our thoughts fall into. If our primary thought is, “I am so depressed!”, how long will it be before our every thought is in tears? If our primary thought is, “I’m so angry!” or if someone keeps asking us, “Why are you mad?”, how long will it be before our every thought is defensive and sporting boxing gloves?

She, and anyone in her shoes, would do well to mentally wave a red flag everytime they “hear” their inner voice saying negative, depressing, or anger-based words and phrases. Furthermore, they’d be a lot healthier, mentally, if they replaced the negative thoughts with positive ones. The positive thoughts could be as simple as, “What a beautiful day.” or “My spouse loves me.” - as long as it’s positive rather than negative, steps are being taken in the right direction.

If you have misplaced your smile somewhere, e-mail me today, I’d love nothing more than to help you find it!

joi@thementalfitnesscenter.com

Make each moment count double,
~Joi
Hollywood Yesterday

“Since my dear soul was mistress of her choice
And could of men distinguish, her election
Hath sealed thee for herself; for thou hast been
As one, in suffering all, that suffers nothing,
A man that fortune’s buffets and rewards
Hast ta’en with equal thanks; and bless’d are those
Whose blood and judgment are so well commingled
That they are not a pipe for fortune’s finger
To sound what stop she please. Give that man
That is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him
In my heart’s core, ay, in my heart of heart,
As I do thee.”
-William Shakespeare

Today’s far too Monday-ish to take my thoughts into the deep end of the pool. So, if it’s okay with you, let’s just hang out in the shallow end today, okay? I’ll dive into the deep end tomorrow, after I shake Monday off of me.

I had to go to the doctor this morning, and since she’s 45 minutes away I grabbed a few fave cds to accompany me on the trip. Music has always played a large role in my life. (I expect that it does in a lot of people’s lives) I know I, for one, always have some form of it around me. Any genre, it doesn’t matter to me - all I ask is that it be good - and I don’t want it to be about HATE, I’m not about hate, so I don’t want to sing along to hate lyrics. And, oh yeah, I most definitely sing along to the songs - danged loud if no one’s in the car with me! The head bobs, the hands tap on the steering wheel, toes tap….it’s pretty hard to stay on the road sometimes, but I have a great time.

My favorite music, this week, wears leather pants and long wild hair. (Rock and Roll, babey!)

I say “this week” because my fave music changes and rearranges. Last week it wore a Cowboy hat and boots. The week before was all Credence Clearwater Revival, so it wore jeans and long-sleeved tops. Before that, it wore threads to end all threads - that’s right - Motown! Next week, who knows, I’ll either go back to country or Motown, stick with rock, or whip out the 80’s hair bands. Nah, their hair looks better than mine.

(I like to occasionally catch my girls off guard and break out boy band music. Once, I was picking Daughter #2 up at the front of a store. I had already made note of other teens - yes, a few were males - within earshot, so when she opened the door I had a T-Total, cheesey boy band pop song BLARING. She dove for the radio in a mad search for the ultimate in cool - Usher. She vowed revenge, which scares me. Her revenges suck gravedigger knees.)

Anyway - Poison, Kiss, and Sophie Hawkins were with me on the ride to and from the doctor. If you haven’t heard “Give Me Something to Believe In” (simply one of the best songs EVER), or “Every Rose Has A Thorn” (Poison), “Dr. Love” or “Beth” (Kiss) or “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover” (Sophie) in a while - give ‘em each a listen. Great music! I got so lost in Sophie’s song I nearly went through a red light. Smokin’ Hot song. And, “Dr. Love’ - the music in that one makes my backbone quiver.

It’s amazing how a song can lift you up if you’re down or lift you up even higher when you’re up. Sometimes it does nothing but just flat out turn you on. Gotta love anything that powerful.

What are your fave songs? Artists? Have something to recommend? Tell me. You’ll have to shout it, shout it, shout it out loud, though. Paul Stanley is screaming in my ear.

Make each moment count double,
~Joi
Constantine Maroulis Online (The boy’s gonna be huge. I promise.)

“The night has been long,
The wound has been deep,
The pit has been dark,
And the walls have been steep.

Under a dead blue sky on a distant beach,
I was dragged by my braids just beyond your reach.
Your hands were tied, your mouth was bound,
You couldn’t even call out my name.
You were helpless and so was I,
But unfortunately throughout history
You’ve worn a badge of shame.

I say, the night has been long,
The wound has been deep,
The pit has been dark
And the walls have been steep.

But today, voices of old spirit sound
Speak to us in words profound,
Across the years, across the centuries,
Across the oceans, and across the seas.
They say, draw near to one another,
Save your race.
You have been paid for in a distant place,
The old ones remind us that slavery’s chains
Have paid for our freedom again and again.

The night has been long,
The pit has been deep,
The night has been dark,
And the walls have been steep.

The hells we have lived through and live through still,
Have sharpened our senses and toughened our will.
The night has been long.
This morning I look through your anguish
Right down to your soul.
I know that with each other we can make ourselves whole.
I look through the posture and past your disguise,
And see your love for family in your big brown eyes.

I say, clap hands and let’s come together in this meeting ground,
I say, clap hands and let’s deal with each other with love,
I say, clap hands and let us get from the low road of indifference,
Clap hands, let us come together and reveal our hearts,
Let us come together and revise our spirits,
Let us come together and cleanse our souls,
Clap hands, let’s leave the preening
And stop impostering our own history.
Clap hands, call the spirits back from the ledge,
Clap hands, let us invite joy into our conversation,
Courtesy into our bedrooms,
Gentleness into our kitchen,
Care into our nursery.

The ancestors remind us, despite the history of pain
We are a going-on people who will rise again.

And still we rise.”

- Maya Angelou

YESSSS! YESSSSSSSSS!! YESSSSSSS!!! BLOrGasim.

It has been far too long since someone said or did something so utterly jaw-droppingly stupid that I could go all POSTal on them. (In that vein, and ONLY in that vein, I kinda miss ole Kerry)

This Snoop Dogg cat, is really making up for lost time. He has either lost his mind or hadn’t one to begin with. Whichever, he earns Idiot of the day award and gives me kindling for flaming.

(Rolls up sleeves of indignation and prepares to vent.) Snoop Dogg, rapper, actor, fool, is famous for refusing to perform anywhere without being supplied with marijuana - totally his biz, don’t really care what the man does to his own body or to what’s left of his mind. However, in an unexpected twist of brain cells, according to a report on the radio, the man is now promoting marijuana candy for kids. In referring to suckers (um, the kind on sticks as opposed to the kind on drugs), he says that each lick would be like taking a hit. He thinks this is a fine and wonderful thing.

OH MY GOD! I just hope that there are enough people around this man who can reason with him, and if not wake him up, at least shut him up. Would it kill the entertainers in the world to try to set a good example for the people who pay for the lavish life they live? Especially young people!!!

I pray that parents, radio stations, and all people with functioning brains will stop buying ANYTHING this man has to sell. For that matter, before supporting anyone - we’d be wise to ask ourselves, “Where will my money go?” Whenever we spend money, we’re ultimately investing it. We’re supporting other people’s lifestyle, habits, as well as addictions. You could go so far as to say, whatever THEY support, WE support. Makes you think, doesn’t it?

God, I hope so.

Make each moment count double,
~Joi
The Mental Fitness Center

~ I hugged life this morning. ~

Everything is so clean, undisturbed, fresh and beautiful around 6:30 am. The birds set the mood with the most beautiful music in the world and the atmosphere is nothing short of paradise. So, with coffee cup in hand, I ventured out into my version of the Garden of Eden. I watered flowers and tomato plants, picked up a few sticks, a squirrel and I pondered over a particular vine that sprang from nowhere. He wanted it to stay, but I was afraid it’d choke a particularly vulnerable salvia plant. I pulled the vine up and the squirrel went away mad. He came back a few minutes later to watch me wrangle the garden hose. I think I saw him laugh.

During that blissful 30 minutes, nothing existed except me, the flowers and my new little friend. There was no sadness, no worries, and certainly no unfinished work. It occurred to me that (forgive my Hallmark moment) life really and truly is beautiful.

There will always be ugliness, disappointments, turmoil and, sometimes, grief so intense it takes your breath away.

But there is also loveliness, hope, sunrises and love so intense that you forget to breathe.

There’s beauty everywhere if we look for it, it’s there just waiting to be enjoyed. The problem is that we get too busy staring at the unattractive things of the world - trying to get a handle on how to make them attractive. We would all benefit mentally, emotionally and spiritually if we just appreciated the beauty around us more.

~ Life hugged me back. ~

Make every moment count double,
~Joi

Between my last post and this one, I’ve been doing the web surf thing. I’ve found some incredible sites and organizations of interest if you’re interested in touching someone’s life.

I believe you are, so what follows are a few websites that’ll tell you how you can spread some happiness launch a bunch of smiles. Now that’s time well spent!

Operation Military Support : This is like the coolest thing in the world. You sign up and they e-mail you the name and mailing address of a soldier who currently isn’t getting any mail. I can’t wait to write the first of many letters to mine. This poor guy has no idea just what sort of chatter box is headed his way!! Go and grab you a name right now, someone’s waiting for you.

Cell Phones for Soldiers : Another fantastic website and idea…that, get this, was launched by two kids! Amazing. Check it out, I’d bet anything you could take part in this one too.

Operation Gratitude : They send care packages to the troops. You gotta check out the pics of the soldiers with their “goods”. Priceless.

Okay, darlings, go make the world a better place.

Joi
The Mental Fitness Center

P.S. (can one even p.s .on a blog?) If you have your own blog, website or newsletter - how about posting the above links and spreading the word? Know of someone with their own blog, website or newsletter? E-mail them the links and ask them to post them. If they know of someone….oh, you get the idea, I gottta go. I have letters to write.

“He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Terrorism has raised it’s vile, ugly arm against the innocent again. It unleashed it’s hatred on the unsuspecting city of London this morning.

Here we go again.

Innocent lives have been lost, innocent human beings have been hurt and people all over the world now have to wonder what will happen next, to whom and how. It’s like knowing a monster is coming, but not knowing from which direction. The terrorists declared war on the civilized world long ago - and,thanks be to God, our leaders have seen fit to fight back. I’m utterly amazed that any so-called learned people would express outrage over the USA or her allies standing up to evil. Where would we be today if our founding fathers had been like so many of these war protestors? Where would we be if Abraham Lincoln had looked the other way?

These people go around flashing the peace sign, lambasting Bush, and refusing to acknowledge our troops for the heroes they are. They align themselves more with the enemy than they do their own country. There are a few celebrities I wish would just go move in with the terrorists. They’re not doing us any good.

Peace is one of the sweetest words in our vocabulary, but where do people get the impression that it’s free?! It never has been free, why should it be now? And why should we be the only nation to enjoy freedom? After all, to those who have much, much is expected. It should fill each and every American’s heart with pride to think that fellow Americans are out there fighting not only for us but for others who can’t fight for themselves.

Seems to me that a lot of people need to go back to school and hit the history books. They need to see that sometimes you have to fight, and GUESS WHAT, war isn’t pretty. You have two choices - beat them or get beat. Had the idiots rather be beaten?? If they had, they’re on the wrong side.

Make each moment count double,
~Joi
The Mental Fitness Center

We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden. - Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Big props to the inventor of the refresh button.

Scenario: The webpage isn’t giving you what you want, you glide your cursor up to the green arrows , click and presto - the page reloads. It’s as though you’re saying, “Nah, that’s not good enough. What else have you got?” The page then refreshes and tries again….kind of gets off on new footing. You don’t have to settle for the original, you get to try to improve.

Ever used this approach for a crummy day?

Scenario: Your day isn’t shaping up the way you’d hoped, nothing is going your way, and your thisclose to either crying or screaming - or maybe you’re an overachiever and plan to do both! Unless you enjoy making scenes, there’s a simple solution. Refresh your day and, in turn, refresh your mind. Hopefully you don’t have green arrows on your forehead (if you do - that’s ugly, man), but you have the reload function nonetheless.

It’s all about taking a time out. When our girls were smaller, they’d sometimes get in arguments and seem on the verge of poking one another’s eyes out. We’d make them sit in a designated “time out” chair for about 15-20 minutes, giving emotions time to calm down and reason to set in. They “refreshed” themselves and inevitably got out of the chair, went on their happy Barbie-playing way, and never gave the turmoil a second thought.

As adults, it usually takes more than a time out chair and it most certainly takes more than 15-20 minutes. Only you, yourself, can say for sure what works for you. Sometimes a nice long walk outdoors will do it. Other ideas are gardening, cooking, golf, tennis, fishing, reading, writing, or just taking a long drive through the country. I highly recommend 30 minutes in Mayberry too. The black and white Mayberry. The colorized version is just…I don’t know….wrong.

A lot of times it isn’t WHAT you’re doing, but WHO you’re doing it with. Lately, I’ve been busier than you can imagine. I’ve put enough stuff on my own plate to fill up about 4 or 5. I love what I do and love doing it all, guess that’s why I keep piling it on. But you know how, when food’s piled up too high on a plate, it sometimes slides the wrong way - or weighs the plate down on one side causing a spill? Sometimes playing the balancing act with my life’s plate takes me off my nut.

Anyway, a few days ago, I was past the wanting to scream or wanting to cry phase. I was approaching the staring blankly, “get me I’m nearly catatonic”- phase. I threw my walking shoes on and headed out the back door. Luckily for me, one of the brightest rays of sunshine in my life (my youngest daughter, Stephany) grabbed her shoes and joined me. Her wit, encouragement and eternal optimism had me smiling again before we’d even gone half a mile.

By the time we returned home, we had come up with a great new idea for one of our websites. We excitedly got to work on it, laughing and chattering the minute we got back inside. Okay, AFTER we grabbed some iced tea and took our shoes off.

It was as though someone (we call her Steph) had hit the refresh button on my day and made all the ugly go away. Everything that had gone wrong suddenly didn’t matter. Disappointments? What disappointments? If you have someone who has that effect on you, keep them handy! Luckily for me, I have a great husband, three wonderful daughters, and 6 amazing cats.

On the rare occasion that all 10 of my buddies are otherwise engaged - I bake, work in my flower beds, write, read, watch old sitcoms, make doughnuts. The point is, figure out where your “quiet place” is and use it as a retreat.

Don’t think you have time to? Your time won’t be worth diddly squat if you don’t.

~Joi
The Mental Fitness Center
Hightide Web

“All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you. ” - Walt Disney

Walt Disney, who often struggled just to feed himself, had to declare bankruptcy in 1920. In 1923, he made his way to Hollywood with just $40 in his pocket. $40 and a sketchbook!

In 1928 Walt and a few friends, by the names Mickey and Minnie, took the world by storm in “Steamboat Willie”. Unsuspecting movie viewers were witnessing the birth of a legend! The rest is most definitely Entertainment History.

Can you imagine the flack Walt Disney must have caught when, penniless, he’d sit in the corner sketching?! No doubt he was called everything from a dreamer to a loser. Fortunately, he knew that it’s not the name they call you that matters. It’s the name you answer to that counts.

“If you can dream it, you can do it. Always remember that this whole thing was started with a dream and a mouse.” - Walt Disney

The creator of an absolute empire was knocked down more than once, but he came out a winner because he never stayed down.

How about you?

How much fight is in you? Has life knocked you around - maybe even knocked you down? Are you on the ground, cowering in the corner, or are you up fighting back with all that’s in you?

The fight isn’t over until someone’s knocked out or gives up. Instead of throwing in the towel, use it to slap life on the butt with a resounding snap!

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” - Walt Disney

Go do something impossible!

Make each moment count double,
Joi
The Mental Spark Plug